Have you ever wondered
why you’re not comfortable with some persons you have just met, to the point that
you’re easily irritated with those persons for no reason at all? That, when you
talk about some “sad” events in your past, you can still feel the pain, as if it
just happened? That, you want to block
some memories of embarrassment that made you angry with yourself? Can you still do something that would help you
move on, be free of pains and embarrassment of the past?
What we are now is
the result of our past experiences, from infancy to present. Study shows that childhood traumas affects
adult behavior. A study of abused or neglected children shows that majority of them have difficulty developing a
strong healthy attachment to caregiver.
Children who do not have healthy attachments have been shown to be more
vulnerable to stress. They have trouble
controlling and expressing emotions, and may react violently or inappropriately
to situations. The ability to develop
healthy, supportive relationships with friends and significant others depends
on having first developed those kind of relationships with their families.
A child with complex trauma history may have
problems in romantic relationships, in friendships, and with authority figures,
such as teachers or police officers. Since the traumas are often an
interpersonal nature, even mildly stressful interactions with others may serve
as trauma reminders and trigger intense emotional response. Having learned that the world is a dangerous
place where even love ones cannot be trusted to protect them, children are
often vigilant and guarded in their interactions with others and are more
likely to perceive situations as stressful
or dangerous. A child with a
complex trauma history may be easily triggered or “set off” and is more likely
to react very intensely.
A child who
feels powerless or grew up fearing an abusive authority figure may react
defensively and aggressively in response to perceived blame or attack, or
alternately, may at times be over controlled, rigid, and unusually compliant
with adults. Children learn their self-worth from the reactions of others, particularly,
those closest to them. Shame, guilt, low
self-esteem, and a poor self-image are common among children with complex
trauma histories.
We
may not be an abused nor neglected. But, in some point of our lives, we all
have experienced pain, embarrassment and fear, which still affect us adversely
the moment we recall the incident. What I am trying to point out is that, our
fears, our unexplained painful reactions and embarrassments have origins. And, such “negative reactions” are sometimes hindering
us from forming a healthy relationship with our friends, love ones and
co-workers, and in the end our happiness is sacrificed. Sometimes, in our
desire to protect ourselves, we missed an opportunity to be “happy” or grow out
of our cocoon.
Going back to the
question, “Can we still do something that would help us move on, be free of
pain, traumas and embarrassment of the past without the help of an specialist-
a psychiatrist, a psycho-analyst or a psychologist? I’m sure we can! The answer lies
in our hand, on our decision and on how serious we are in changing our reaction
to our past experiences. Past is past and we cannot change the past. We can,
however, change our reaction in dealing with the past. What we are now is the product of our
experiences, from infancy to present. By changing a variable, the result can be
changed.
Twenty years ago, I met Sr. Sonia Punzalan, a
Cenacle Sister. She taught me a “Trick”,
which she called “Healing of Memories”.
The trick had been very effective with me, so I would like to share this
with you hoping it would give you similar result. Here is how it is done:
1. Recognize that you have some memories which
need to be healed, maybe a painful or an embarrassing event.
2. With
a person you trust, find a comfortable place, free from intrusion; It can be a
room, a chapel, any peaceful place. The role of your companion is either the one in
command or one who will help you be in control of the situation.
3. Try
to relax, by doing a deep breathing exercise repeatedly.
4. When
in a state of relaxation, recall the event, refresh the memory which you want
to heal.
5. Once
again, experience the “pain” inflicted to you or the “embarrassment” you suffered from the
situation. Allow yourself to feel and
express your feelings. Cry if you can.
6. Then,
in your vision, a person very close to
you, or maybe Jesus (if you are a Christian) come to you, embraces you and let
you feel that He/she understand what you are feeling. Allow yourself to pour what you feel to your imaginary
companion. You’ll feel that you are not alone, you are accepted for what you
are, you are understood and loved. Then, you were relieved. Little by little, you’ll feel calm and peace.
7. You
will tell yourself that you forgive the person who inflicted you pain or
embarrassment. You will keep repeating
the act of forgiving until you feel that you are sincerely doing it.
8. Then,
your trusted imaginary person, or Jesus shall be happy with what you did, and
your calmness and peace will remain with you when you open your eyes.
9. The
next time you recall the incident, It won’t be the same experience. You can now relate the event without
undergoing the same experience.
If
we were able to forgive others for hurting us, please try to forgive yourself,
too. Sometimes, we’re too hard on
ourselves that we expected too much.
When we fail, we got too embarrassed with our failure. We cannot accept our limitations and blame
ourselves for our failure, not recognizing the fact that we did our best, that
there were other things that happened beyond our control. Hence, it’s very important to forgive others
and ourselves before we go to sleep every night to unload excess baggage.
By
forgiving others and ourselves, unwanted memories will be replaced. Forgiveness can bring us peace, happiness and
health.
Forgive. Move on. Be happy!
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